[in]security & [un]belief
Last weekend I was chatting with someone I’d met a couple times but really don’t know yet, when she asked me what I do.
Oh my gosh! I had a second answer! I was excited to share it knowing God had this in mind for me from the beginning and this has all happened in His timing. And yet, when she told me about her marketing degree and such I immediately shriveled inside. She knows 100 times more than me about this and she would run circles around me in a conversation. It’s a really unnerving experience to shrivel up on the inside and simultaneously smile and keep your eyes focused on the other person while she talks.
If ever something will disarm me, it is my lack of that ole’ college diploma. It’s as quick and immediate as flipping a switch.
I can’t tell you how bad I wanted to run away, and to be perfectly honest, I swayed the conversation toward her children and then as she was distracted for a moment, I mentioned checking on my kids and disappeared.
I snuck away, my insides matching the storm that threatened in the sky above me. I questioned everything job related. I questioned everything Heather related. In the back of my mind, a voice told me, “You are crazy. You are not capable of doing this job.”
The next morning in church during worship, my heart was engaged, but part of me was frustrated and I just couldn’t put it aside. I felt completely insecure about what I was lacking. What knowledge. What experience. What what what…. But as I was praying and just being still, the Lord pressed on my heart, I provided this job for you. Your insecurity and doubt are sin because I defeated insecurity on the cross. You are enough because of Me.
It wasn’t a prideful thing. It was a statement bearing immense comfort and yet I was convicted.
My insecurity is sin. That I would question if I am capable after all this… after all He has provided and lined up and dreamed up and done… is sin. He makes me capable.
I don’t have to have a diploma to generate newsletters and design yearbooks and love children and their families and do whatever it is that this role will have me play. I don’t have to have a diploma for that. I could, and that would be an added bonus and the stuff would probably be much prettier and finished faster.
If you were hiring a brain surgeon, you’d want to see their diplomas. But a brain surgeon, I am not.
I ask the Lord time and time again to guide my footsteps. And while it seems unnecessary to state the obvious, walking with Him is not a lonely thing. But I do have to obey.
The biggest hurdle for me right now, today, is to get it through my thick skull and scarred up heart that I am enough because of Him.
And that is the end of the story.
There is no “if only” or “but” or “however” or any of that… that’s it. I am enough because of Him.
Lord God, please snap the prefixes off my [in]security and [un]belief. I want to walk in the security and fullness You came to give me and never doubt it one second.