Affirming the Why. Giving a new Where.

Last week, Brian and the girls and I all sat around in the den and something came up about the newspaper. “Mommy wrote something and it was published in the newspaper once. Remember that hun?”

I looked straight ahead at Taylor. She stared at me wide eyed. “You DID?”

I just shook my head slowly. I had no recollection of it.

“You don’t remember that?” He looked at me and I felt so lost and helpless and dependent on him. “It was on Thanksgiving and mommy wrote about how thankful she was for me. Remember? When we lived with your parents.”

Oh.” I fought back a few tears. Inside, I was clambering to remember. I wanted to so badly but it felt so far away.

It was just under two months after packing up the bare essentials of life; baby toys, computer, clothes & toiletries; and moving into the upstairs of my parents home.

It’s pretty common when a kid goes away and comes back home for a bit, but not as much when she brings her husband and two babies too. It was when my husband went back to his old job and got a second job so we could pay off some credit cards and hope to buy a house again. Because we thought we had hit our version of bottom. He inspired me to do better and be positive that we would, in fact, survive this.

And we did.

But I was heartbroken in that moment last week, that I had forgotten this random little public act of printed encouragement to my husband at a time when we felt we were being pulled apart at the seams.

It’s not uncommon for me to forget stuff. It’s why I write things down all the time and make lists incessantly. Most of all, it’s why my camera is always nearby.

I’m far from absentminded. It’s hard on my heart to be this way, like when my girls will tell me about something they loved or a favorite memory and I just can’t seem to pull it up in my mind. No matter how hard they try, and how many details … a lot of times it’s just gone.

Sometimes, I think it’s the Lord’s grace for that time in my life when remembering everything may have been too painful. And other times, I feel like I’m the old lady in The Notebook and wonder if that is my future.

I have a different perspective than Brian or the girls. I experience life with them and around them but it is felt in different ways.  And that is WHY I blog.

I’m not a niche blogger.
I don’t have a business or promote any products.
I don’t sell anything.

I’m just me.

I have a short attention span.
I love words.
I love people.
I love to laugh.

And I have a terrible memory.

I realized one day that “highly caffeinated” doesn’t really describe me so much anymore. My coffee intake has decreased from 12-15 cups a day to 5 on a big day. You may have noticed I’ve really mellowed out and my blogs no longer post at 3 AM.

It’s a really weird thing though, to go, who am I anyway? What describes me? What fits? And for cryin out loud who cares?

But, I CARE.

I care that my kids can someday read about themselves as little ones. And even though today they seem big to me, someday, today will be a memory of “little days” different than the ones I reflect on now. I want them to know how I love being their mom ~on the good days and the bad~ because I wish someone had been so bluntly honest with me that there are bad days and that we all have them. And that it’s okay because while every day is new, each moment is also full of grace. I want them to know from me how much I adore their daddy and what they’ve taught me, and how the Lord stirred stuff up in my heart -and changed it, and why that “goofy ole garden” as Taylor referred to it under her breath, is a miracle to me.

I want to have the conversations that may never actually happen.

But as much as I want it for them, I think I may want it even more for me. Because I wonder if, just like in The Notebook, someday they may sit and read these posts to me like a story of our life.

And so it is.

The coffee can always be thrown on at a moments notice at our house, but my blog must change; coming soon is Net Full Of Holes [dot] com … after one of my favorite quotes by 19th century French author Georges Duhamel:

“Do not trust your memory;
it is a net full of holes;
the most beautiful prizes slip through it.”

That’s it. That fits just fine. And in a way, it gives me fresh permission to write about the stuff I love most, the things I really care about, and whatever it is that I never want to forget.

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~ by hthr on June 15, 2010.

4 Responses to “Affirming the Why. Giving a new Where.”

  1. I LOVE the new blog name!!! Can’t wait to check it out!

  2. absolutely love the new blog theme…very fitting and thought provoking. will be a follower over there. 🙂

  3. I read this whole entry and did not catch your new blog name so I had to read it again. I’m so A.D.D.

    I have to admit, my blog has turned into a bit of a chore lately and I have no energy to write much of anything. I do love reading your blog though and so appreciate your honesty! I also love your photos.

  4. Love it.

    And with that said, I miss ya.

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