Strip: Rip. Scream. And, heal.

So I have been off of facebook for a month now.

Its been an awesome month of living in the dark of what is going on in all my 500-some friends lives every moment.

Isn’t that a HORRIBLE thing to say?

If we are to be living in community, I should be interacting and encouraging via “liking” status updates and commenting on them … yeah, I’m not into it right now. All that ‘noise’ of a constant live feed & flurry of busy-ness and pictures and who’s where and with who and joining what … I don’t miss it one bit. The only thing I have found frustrating was when I got together with my friends and they referred to things they saw on fb and I had not a darn clue what was being discussed because no one stopped to explain. And no one really went back and said, this was what I did this week, except Tanya who told me about little Blake’s tooth that came out eating gummy bears. That was cute.

Apparently that’s all I missed this month.

And I survived not knowing all the rest. Living completely out of the loop. If you didn’t tell me, I don’t know.

It’s almost kind of old-fashioned and vintag-y, ya think?

When the noise in my head died down and I stopped actually even wondering what was happening, I found myself able to focus a little better and think a little clearer. I found myself in prayer more often. I found myself considering my family in terms of what mattered to them rather than what I wanted. I found myself wanting to do things that mattered beyond a quick fix and a short trip. I sat and looked people in the eyes and listened better. I became more vulnerable and decided to just … let go of some stuff. And some days, I was exhausted from all of it and crawled back into bed. Could be hormones. Could be, what my mom always refer to after an event of big buildup, as a “letdown”, where I simply find myself able to relax. Or get sick. It’s a dime a dozen.

I don’t know what it was. But I am happier. My thoughts are less muddled.

While I thought I had my friends all around me virtually and at any moment, I now find myself unable to access them, and strangely, I feel a lot less lonely.

I’m not mad at fb. I’m not doggin it. I’m mad at what I’ve allowed it to do to me. I thought at the outset I would click “deactivate account”, close my laptop and reach over to start reading my new book immediately. I assumed I would read right through it and hop back on fb all unbothered and recharged in my mind with fresh perspective.

Honestly? I’m only on page 7.

Some dear dear friends have asked, “How’s the book going?!” and I’ve said, “Oh great so far!” and it has. The introduction alone nearly made me bawl my eyes out. It’s what I need to read. But I had to come down off this noisy dizzy brain train of having my thoughts on everyone everywhere else and just … be … before I could start working on myself and these issues I have held at length, yet so painfully closely to my heart.

One thing I’ve realized this month is that my conversations have become really wonderful. Or they have been non-existent. And that is eye opening as well. Many have been deeper, more meaningful, and had more discussion and questions and bantering … while being non assuming. And yes, of course, some have been as simple as, “How was xyz for you…” “Isn’t this weather amazing!?” and on with life…

All this purging has kicked up a lot of dirt – literally and figuratively. The next logical step is to strip away all that remains that is unhealthy for me; body, mind & soul. This would be that “old habits die hard” part, where the rubber meets the road. I truly covet your prayers.

It’s kind of been like ripping a bandaid off a wound once the bleeding stops. You have to expose it to the air so it will heal quicker. You want to scream for a second or 30 because your mom bought the high quality waterproof bandaids that stick forever, but then it’s gone and over and it’s all for the best. So the wound gets air instead of incorporating that nasty bandaid into the healing process. Because that would have to come off eventually too. And it would probably hurt more later.

More of you, Lord. Less of me.

less of me.

less of me.

He must increase but I must decrease. John 3:30.

—–

It’s no surprise how much I love music, and so I wish to share with you, one of my favorites… Anthony Skinner, singing I Will Be Alright. I recently found the video posted below on YouTube of him singing it at our church. I’m pretty sure I wore sunglasses out of the building that day. It was when I wrote this post last year. Click play & then go to iTunes and get you some. Get the whole album.

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~ by hthr on March 23, 2010.

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