purge

I don’t know how people do it.

I don’t know how we’ve been doing it, except that I know we aren’t able to cover all our bases. Something always gets left undone. Our own preferences & priorities put aside for someone elses or for the sake of not offending anyone or meeting their expectations.

We take the fall. We take the hit. Me. Brian. Our feelings. Our marriage. Our kids. The quality of how our time is spent.

At some point you just get weary.

Weary of saying yes when you want to say no. Weary of people pleasing, and then wondering if you even managed to do that successfully. Weary of putting yourself & your family last. Weary even of all the distractions in the day… the background noise, as it were, of the tv, radio, facebook, twitter, texting, voicemail, list of things to do, thoughts of expectations, random conversations in my head of he said/she said and what if he said or what if she said, and then I would say, or plan B, plan C, and just in case and if this, then that …at some point you just wish you could flip a switch and have silence.

I eliminated facebook as the first point of distraction 3 or 4 weeks ago. That’s all I’m sayin about that right now.

It has made me wonder if I would feel the same way about twitter? The past few days I’ve watched to see what was quality content on twitter that I would use and … there hasn’t been any honestly. Friends going back & forth. Strangers going back & forth. Self promotion. Nonsense. Why am I following the lives of people who are not part of my life? If they are speaking quality content into my life, is it something I’m using and appreciating? No. Not one. Some are close. But no.

So, I’ve rambled on long enough to say my 6 year old informed me tonight, eyeball to eyeball that I don’t spend enough time with her or her sister. That I’m always busy. That I don’t “cuddle and stuff”. And that she has felt that way since she was 3.

I was enjoying dinner with them out on the patio when my phone rang inside and they said they could go get it for me. I told them I didn’t need to answer my phone. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to be with them. And thats when she bit.

I’m pretty sure that in my head I was screaming “BULL SHIIIIIIT”. Maybe that’s what gave me this obnoxious headache tonight. Instead I welled up with tears and let em fly, my chin quivering as she stared straight back at me. I didn’t say a word. Because while I think her perspective is jacked, I also know, it’s truth enough that it’s hers. And that was devastating. I didn’t tell her she was wrong. I didn’t defend myself. And when her sister told her she needed to apologize to me, I explained to her that, No, she didn’t. Those are her feelings. It’s okay. But inside, I was dying a new kind of death.

There’s a lot that goes in to making a life for your family. Making it a quality life. But I’m so over all the noise around it. The people pleasing. The social-ness and social-networking. The imagery & expectations.

I know this feeling will pass with a new day, but I really just want to run and hide.

Are people really able to turn all that off? How can I possibly be effective all day long? I’ve always thought we were the only ones who didn’t have their act all together. Keeping up the house, having quality time together and with the kids and with friends, and with the Lord and being all things to all people and sipping lemonade on the porch swing and … I’m not there. I’ve actually crawled back into bed twice this week and slept til noon because I can’t deal with all the rest.

My heart hurts so badly right now. I think about piddly crap all day long and a lot of times miss what matters. Not just to me, but to my kid.

I made my kid’s day by not answering my phone while I had dinner with her. What is that? What have I done?

Tomorrow I’ll have to make it again. Although it may cost me a couple hundred bucks in bidding on ‘a playdate with her teacher’ at the school auction Friday night.

Something’s been stirring in me for quite some time. I don’t even know how to define it, but I think this week I’ve finally been able to put legs on what action to take.

I’ve gotta purge.

Purge the things that take my mental energy & focus. Purge old habits that may die hard. Purge my refrigerator. Purge my closets. Purge my garage, and my ipod, bookshelves, subscriptions, my calendar and my list of wants and needs, and probably hardest of all, my expectations.

Back to basics.

I need to just have a list of needs for a while. And despite the fact that I am not “a cuddler”, the first thing on it, is gonna be to cuddle with my baby girl.

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~ by hthr on March 19, 2010.

7 Responses to “purge”

  1. I was going to say, “If I don’t tell you enough…” and then I realized that was silly. Because I KNOW I don’t tell you enough… that you challenge and inspire me all the time and I’m grateful for our friendship – the one I think I don’t take advantage of anywhere near enough.

    Thank you for your transparency, vulnerability… and ultimately your incredible example of being clay in our Potter’s hands… having the willingness to hear from your girls, despite the difficultness of it all to swallow, and the tugging on your heart to do the things that seem “less cool” or “socially in”.

    I was just standing at my (now empty, and clean, thank goodness) sink just a few minutes before reading this… looking out on our empty patio and our green yard and realized that not for lack of wanting… I already have too much. Way too much. And yet I give so little of myself to the people and things that deserve my attention. So thank you for affirming that stirring in my heart.

    Let’s hang soon (I’m still immobile, but you’re always welcome to visit here if you want to.)

    p.s. sorry for the book.

  2. I am so feeling this. I don’t twitter or facebook, but still manage to find unimportant things to do that take up way too much of my time. Good, better, best really sums it up! We are so blessed and cursed to live in a world where we have access to so much… sometimes choosing the best is so much harder than letting go of the worst. Does that make any sense?

  3. oh Heather! I so agree iwth all @Kristine said!!! You are amazing and I long to be more like you…share openly, willingly, and faithfully. I too feel I need to purge, but am not sure how to go about it. You have definately provoked thoughts this morning, especially after the message at church Wednesday night about where we spend our time and why don’t we make time for God. I need to make changes. I thank God for your part in my life and your desire to serve Him in all you do. You are in my prayers today!

  4. Loved this! (Just like I do all your posts!) I hope to be a mommy like you when my baby is older!

  5. +1000

    Thanks for sharing. I’m so going through similar feelings right now, too. Sick to death of the Proverbs 31 woman crap, too. 😉 Started reading a great book about that a while back, actually. I really should pick it back up again…

  6. So, I can’t relate on the marriage aspect or being a mother aspect of life, but after reading this entry as well as a few others… my heart hurts for you. Heather you are SO VERY SPECIAL to so many people. I know I’ve said it before, but your hugs are the best and the fact that your husband and daughters get to experience your love through those hugs (hopefully often) is a wonderful thing. God has made you a wonderful woman. All of us are flawed in our lives regardless of what is going on, but He is there always to listen and comfort or help us back up when we’ve fallen. I’ve rambled long enough… and this may or may not be applicable to your post, but you are so much on my heart. Hugs to you, Heather.

  7. I love your honesty, which inspires all of us who read to examine our own hearts and lives and reevaluate what really matters. Something must have been in the air last week because I was in the same mind set – to heck with all that “needs” to be done – I don’t want to neglect the needs of my family. So thankful for the lightbulb moment for you and for me! Are you up for a coffee date this week? I think its about time!

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