a different kind of season than winter

I’ve started writing this post 5 times now. One time it disappeared completely, and the other times I just couldn’t get it out right.

It all boils down very simply. I’m a person who values relationships higher than any other thing. Period. If I think a friend is put out with me, I have a difficult day or series of days, mentally-speaking, until I know it’s okay between us.  It doesn’t take much for me to mentally make a return to junior high & high school where I was actually, the one who was very much on the fringe and never really felt like I belonged, anywhere, or was good enough, interesting enough, pretty enough… I still have those moments and sometimes they feel more like seasons. And I’m in a season of it right now.

I have felt this way on & off for over 15 years. No one did anything wrong. No one made me feel that way, so I guess there’s really nothing more to say than, “I don’t wanna feel like this anymore”. I don’t want to default to disappointment or isolate myself, but I realize it happens. I don’t want to feel so awkward around people that when I walk through the store and someone stares at me for a moment, I automatically assume my zipper is down or I have something on my face. Did you wonder why I rub my nose so much? There ya go.

Anyway, I love me some Beth Moore, and I bought her new book “So Long, Insecurity”. I’m about to start reading it and do my very best to absorb what I fully believe the Lord inspired her to write. And while I do, I’m taking as many distractions as I can out of my life for a while so I can focus on the text and on what’s right in front of me ~ my husband, my girls, and my responsibilities at home. I think it will be interesting to see if and how this book may alter my perspective. I’ve got a few good books going right now, but this one is really calling my name.

Meanwhile, I’ve got stuck on repeat a song called The Perfect Space. Love me some Avett Brothers music too! Look em up!


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~ by hthr on February 22, 2010.

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