I don’t think I know how to start this post. I seem to be good at not completing things lately. I am tired. I can’t relax. I’ve not been great at conversing with anyone lately. I have not felt good for about a month or so….still clinging to the “must be the moving and not the 3-0 thing” my husband insists on. I’ll have to give it another month or so to find out. I am emotional beyond the standard available tears, both happy and reminiscent with quite a few added in to all life is offering just now.

Beyond the obvious toll taken physically from getting ready to move, I feel depleted mentally, emotionally … I’m just so weary. I said that to Brian a few weeks back and he looked at me and said, “That is the perfect word to describe it.” I’m not myself and there’s really nothing wrong. Every day I wake up and the challenge to keep moving continues. And I do it, both literally and figuratively, just not as enthusiastically as would be the norm.

I was sitting in Brian’s chair Monday afternoon. The house was quiet, and I was feeling like I couldn’t take much more for the day. Surely, if one of the kids came in for me to settle yet another arguement I would burst into tears. And I just sat there quiet, staring off at the empty bookcase and a verse came to mind. “Come to Me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest.”

I closed my eyes and streams of tears escaped and fell down my face as I pondered it and repeated it in my head.

Of course! The One who never leaves and always stays the same. I’ve been trying so hard to do things on my own. Keeping internal struggles to myself and not even taking them to the Father. So I sat there, all curled up and asked forgiveness. Cried some more and then after a bit asked Him what my heart was dying to know … if this is such a happy time … such a time of celebration for our family to have a home of our own again … why don’t I feel it?

This is our 3rd home purchase and the first 2 drove us deep into debt. Obviously we aren’t going to do that again, but there is that past reminder breeding caution with every suggestion of what to do to make it feel like home to us. It will happen slowly. I’m excited that we only need to take down wallpaper, paint a bit (It warms my heart to hear my husband say, “Let’s just pick a nice beige color for the walls.” I love you Brian Williams.) and we decided to install new flooring downstairs before moving day.  Are we decorating the rooms all at once? Negative. I told the girls their rooms would be done by Christmas. Getting new furniture? Uhh, no. Not for a while at least. We just want to get in. Live. Eat. Observe the lighting. Sit on the back porch and play with the kids in the yard. We’ve never had a nice yard or a true upstairs until now…

So I had to just do what the Lord says, and “Go to Him…” and I visualized carrying all these silent concerns and past hurts and worries and frustrations like I would carry logs in my arms and walked them up a path and spoke with Him and then literally dropped them there at His feet. And when in my mind I stood up and turned to leave, I did not pick one of them back up. I left them there for Him to handle. He does it much better than I could anyway.

The past couple days have been much better. Overall, moving stinketh. But God is good and merciful. And even through all the work and the things I have to do, the weariness is lifted and my heart is much lighter. I keep being reminded, You don’t have to worry. You’re not supposed to worry!

I’m off to pack more boxes and kick up some more dust. Almost there….one more week. God is good.


~ by hthr on July 1, 2009.

2 Responses to “weary.”

  1. Hang in there! You can do it. Get back to your basic’s and love the life that your are in.

  2. As I’m reading this (and thinking back on some of your recent past posts), I’m reminded that the devil never bothers to tempt those who are passive and luke-warm in their faith. Why bother? They are no threat to him. You and Brian, on the other hand – HUGE THREATS. As long as you are vitally growing in your faith I’d say you can pretty much expect his attack on you daily.

    Heather, you and Brian have grown so much these past few months – experiencing freedom in Christ like never before – AND boldly professing his goodness to others so that they can know the author of that freedom for themselves. Now, that is a threat to our enemy and you better believe he isn’t going to just sit there and do nothing.

    One of my professors at Moody used to tell us that we should never worry if we are faced with spiritual attack. Rather we should worry when we aren’t. When everything is hunky-dory and no attack is thrown our way – that’s when we need to worry.

    The devil surely is attacking you, because your newfound joy (of weeks past) is a huge threat to him. Certainly your past struggles and worries play a part in your weariness. But keep in mind that they are tools the devil is using to distract you from further joy and growth he knows the Lord has in store for you.

    The fact that you are moving (and all the memories that brings up from your past) and the fact that you are turning 30 (and the worry of physical changes that come along with that milestone) are icing on the cake for your enemy. He suddenly has just the right ammunition at his disposal to keep your mind heading down his path of worry. He uses all these negative (yet somehow very personal and relative) thoughts to keep your focus off your recent success in your walk with God.

    Knowing all this doesn’t make it any easier, I know that. I also know that you already know all of this. But I want to encourage you to find some solace in knowing that YOU, HEATHER, are a threat to our enemy. YOU must be doing something right! He wouldn’t bother with you otherwise. YOUR FAITH has him shaking in his boots. Just think of it this way: In regards to debt. he used to own you. Now God does. This house you are about to purchase (the right way) proves to him you are committed to doing things God’s way this time. He’s not one bit happy about that. He wants you back.

    But you are fighting. And fighting is weary work. Don’t give up! Your present situation just goes to proves that the transformations taking place in your heart and your soul are real and true. Your enemy sees how the Lord has set you back on higher ground, and he desperately want to knock you down. Don’t let him. Get back up. Fight hard. Refuse to allow that monster to rob you of any more joy.

    The JOY of the LORD is our strength.

    One last thing: I’m so glad you found solace in God – while sitting in Brian’s chair – that great symbol of God’s tangible, reckless, and overflowing love and forgiveness for your family. What an awesome God!

    What an awesome COUSIN! Love you—

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