Some things take a while to sink in

Last week I sat in my quiet house in the middle of the morning, in my bed with the laptop and did my usual morning internet routine … email, facebook, ebay, and whatever other things required my attention for the time. That morning, it happened to be the bank account.

If ever there were something I avoided (like, say, eating brussel sprouts) it was checking the bank account. I have seen it hover with a balance under $100 more months years than I care to recall. Our bank even closed our checking account for us once upon a time (You can chalk that up to a bad day Daniel Powter). Even though we’ve been on a budget the past few years and know every month is going to be just fine, there is still subconscious anxiety for me with logging in. The number of “not fine” years still outweigh the “fine”.

So last week, sittin hanging out with my coffee and my trusty old PowerBook, I dutifully logged in to the account while totally wincing on the inside. And I think I forgot to breath there for a minute afterwards. Until the tears came and rolled off my cheeks and my stomach started shaking a bit reminding me, “Air! Air!”.

We made our last loan payment over 6 weeks ago already. And life went right on. But I guess I didn’t really “get it” until I saw how that works when the money actually stays in your account rather than hemorrhaging out of it. This is “normal” to most of the “weird” people I know. But its a new normal for us.

First I thought, “oh crap! we didn’t pay the bills this month!” But everything was accounted for. I called Brian all, I’m sorry. I know you’re at work and you’re busy and you have a lot going on, but … Brian … I just “got it”.

“Got what? What’d you buy? What’d you do?”

Nothing! It just … It just hit me … B … we don’t have any payments! And I quietly cried and got off the phone and kept on with my day. What I felt on the inside can’t be conveyed in words. It just clicked. But it clicked with the marriage of both resolve and hope, and I moved forward owning both of those emotions rather than grasping for them.

As if 6 weeks weren’t long enough for something to take shape in my head, another long drawn out journey of roughly the same mental/emotional proportion is that of the girls going to school all day every day. This is all very normal, I realize. Most people handle these things near flawlessly and even embrace them with excitement. And I have absolutely done that (although nothing I do is flawless). I will admit, I like this new season. The kids lives are enriched and as a result, ours are too. We all love school. At the same time though, I’ve been trying so hard battle the loneliness rising to the surface.

It’s like trying to hold an empty milk jug under the water and it keeps popping up. And sometimes you can hold it down a while because you’re rested and re-energized so it’s easy. And other times you’re just flat out tired and you don’t even care to engage in dealing with the milk jug. I think thats where I am today. Too tired to care what anyone thinks. Ahh, the glory of the blog. (Uhh…milk jugs? bleach jugs actually. It’s how the retired ladies in Florida did arm strengthening exercises in the community pool circa 1990. I wholeheartedly participated with my grandma every other morning during summer vacation. I did not wear a swim cap. I did not wear a skirted swimsuit. I did have a lot of fun. And I was very very good at consistently holding them under water. Unlike today. Definitely not like last week.)

I’m not depressed. Been there, know the difference. And this is not a case of “the kids were everything, now she doesn’t know what to do with herself”. I have plenty to do. But for 8 hours a day, I do it feeling rather alone. And when I want to call up a friend to talk – like, to talk-talk – I don’t know who to call anymore. I used to have a couple friends I could call and share anything with. But some friendships change with time and evolve into more or, into less. I’ve been praying that God would forge a friendship like that for me again someday. Me & God have been talking about a lot of things lately. It’s good. It’s so good. I’m trusting Him with it.

Probably one of the harder things to accept is that with kids, you have an easy in to strike up conversation. Who doesn’t want to comment on the sweet babies? With them, you have cause for a playdate or get together. Without your kids though … you have you. When you’ve lived in playdateland for as long as you’ve been a traveler there, its kind of weird to find yourself dateless and on the bridge to Homework Heaven every afternoon.

What a freakin happy post.

So, two major milestones in my life; both kids go off to school and a decade long pattern of monthly payments comes to a close – and both happened within about a month’s time. I guess it’s okay that I’m still finding my feet under me. That I’m just now “getting it” and working through it. I wasn’t supposed to wake up the next day fully adjusted, was I? This is life. Meant to be lived and felt and explored and celebrated and embraced. It’s not always pretty, but somehow even all that messy stuff looks pretty darn beautiful when I turn around and stop and consider it. I’m trusting that now too.

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~ by hthr on October 22, 2008.

One Response to “Some things take a while to sink in”

  1. “This is life. Meant to be lived and felt and explored and celebrated and embraced. It’s not always pretty, but somehow even all that messy stuff looks pretty darn beautiful when I turn around and stop and consider it.”

    So very true… what a great post.

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