Contemplating Kindergarten

On Wednesday, our baby goes for her first little half day of Kindergarten. Next week she starts full days everyday. FULL days. She’s excited. And I am too because I know how much her sister thrived on it & benefited, and she will also – just as much.

But there’s this little part of me that is sad. Deeply sad.

This is the end of the “at home with children” years for me. Six years. Somehow they flew by. And as I sit here with tears in my eyes, Avery goes skipping by the doorway, happy as can be. And that’s how it goes. I quietly hold in my heartache and she goes on skipping, and I smile through the tears, because she is joyful – just how I hoped she would be. Isn’t that how parenting is supposed to go? Grow them, nurture them, love them, teach them, all to let them flourish in other environments? And of course, to continue doing the same…just on a smaller timetable.

This is heartbreaking. And its only Kindergarten.

Today she was dancing and singing as usual. She sang a new song about washable glue;

We’re gonna buy washable washable gluuuuuuue.
Waaaash-uhhhh-bllllle…

I sat on the kitchen floor and listened to her sing. There were many verses to the glue jingle. I watched her dance and scoot around on the scooter. I noticed how carefree she was. So unrestrained. She made me laugh and then she saw me watching her and came over to talk to me. “Why are you crying?” she asked me. “Because I love you!” She threw her arms around me and didn’t let go. I felt like saying because I wish I were more LIKE you! But a 5 year old wouldn’t understand that, and I didn’t need to give her more ammo at the dinner table. She whispered in my ear “I love you too, mommy” huge tears were then dripping off my face. That’s the stuff right there.

And then I was laying on my bed this afternoon, wanting to take a little nap. She came and crawled up right on top of me just like when she was a toddler. She’s still little enough to do that I guess. Soon she’ll outgrow that too and I’ll have more to miss. I’m glad the good Lord knows how much we can handle.

I told her to get a few books. She returned with an armful that she dumped on the bed. I pulled up the blanket and we both promptly fell asleep. She gave up naps about a year ago, so it was a treat to wake up and see that little face so relaxed and so rested next to me. When I look at her though, I see her baby face; the way her bottom lip hangs when she’s asleep. Her nose is still a bit of a baby nose, even though she has those newly cut bangs draped over them.

I see that next to me, but in my mind, she still looks like this:

So Avery, my girl who “gulps life” as our Pastor Jamie would say (although is only pictured here napping through life) is full of spirit, headstrong, and quick at nearly everything other than eating and picking up the playroom…she is gonna rock Kindergarten. She can’t wait to wake up tomorrow morning.

And I … will not come home and look through more baby pictures after I drop her off. No. No I won’t. My nose has been wiped enough just in the last 20 minutes for only trying to find a picture of her sleeping. I will have to do picture browsing another day. I think it is a very cruel thing to have PMS and send your baby to Kindergarten all at the same time. Not fair at all.

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~ by hthr on August 12, 2008.

4 Responses to “Contemplating Kindergarten”

  1. Those pics are absolutely precious–remember all the crazy exhausting “toddler” days when you thought you’d NEVER make it until they start school…now looking back at those days you realize how great we had it. this WILL be great for her, and because she’s joyful, you will be too (maybe not right away;) glad you got some good snuggle time in yesterday…praying for you today girl.

  2. There’s only one solution to all this. (Now, don’t get mad at me. Try to remember I am only kidding…partially.) You and Brian just have to crank out another adorable little Williams.
    Ha! (You do make beautiful babies after all.)

  3. I remember those days of our toddler kids cuddling up with me. But you know what…mine are now teenagers and they still like to cuddle with mom (especially 17 year old, 6″1′, 175 pound, size 13 shoe Ryan)…even though they probably won’t admit now, of course! Your children are beautiful – enjoy this time. It does go WAY too fast!

  4. […] great send off. So Avery, our energizer child who never naps, napped on Tuesday. Wednesday she hit the Kdg classroom for a few hours. Friday…she & I were just home for […]

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