34 days and counting.

Yep, it’s a Christmas Tree countdown. It’s not as though my husband enjoys putting up the Christmas tree anyway. He’s taken issue with tree lights for as long as I can remember. I’ll do it myself. I can’t wait!

Aside from ticking the days away until I can take on a new decorating project, I have other, much more thoughtful and curious things to post here but I’ve been so distracted lately. I can’t help but just leave the computer alone and think things through sans Mac. Of course, once I stand up and the fluid in my brain swishes around it seems to wash away my train of thought and I’m on to the next thing. I’ve drafted and abandoned 10 or so posts in the last month.

I’ve been thinking about family. Life on this pale blue dot (more on that later, if I can concentrate long enough). Happiness. What it is and what it isn’t, and the fascade it can become (You know the Jones’, right?).

I’ve been thinking about home. What it is and what I want it to be, and my dream for my family. I have one, but it is still evolving.

I’ve been thinking about my strengths. Because until a few weeks ago, I really wouldn’t have known specifically what my personal strengths would include. But now I have a list of five of them (according to a test at least). And no, caffiene detective isn’t a strength. But Discipline is. It was my top strength. I realized without much examination how easy it is to become disciplined about not-so-positive things. Like, not having quiet time (devotions, meditation, whatever you might call it). And it becomes easier and easier not to ‘have’ or ‘do’ and then before I know it, it’s Sunday again and I realize how busy I’ve been. With what exactly? What am I so busy about anyway?

A friend of mine told me this week that she could clearly see how I contribute to my family. And I first thought that that was a wonderful compliment that I’ve not often recieved. But then I thought, “I do? How? I don’t even fold underwear!” (yeah, yeah, I stack them).

I think the Lord is showing me how my past can be used to encourage others. I don’t know why He would use me, but I’m just glad to be available. I’ve cried enough tears that I would love to spare others some of their own. Neither Brian nor myself has shared our story’s in their entirety with anyone. (Last month I mentioned ‘back in the day’ when my credit cards were maxed out and the person’s eyebrows hit their hairline. Like, ‘what, you?’ uh huh.) We aren’t hiding anything at all. It just hasn’t been relevant I guess.

But in the past week, four people have been in front of my face dealing with things that I have too. Big stuff. And I often wonder what I could ever do to help anyone in my laundry load changin’ world. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have any answers. But I could for these people say, “Been there. You’ll survive it. And someday you may even be grateful.” I know I am.

Thats where I sit tonight. Grateful. Even for the stuff that hurt.

And some of it still hurts sometimes, but if you’re painting on a canvas, the contrasting colors and sometimes heavy brushstrokes just make the finished product that much more interesting and beautiful. I guess my life was not meant to be lived in monochrome.

~ by hthr on October 15, 2007.

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