It is anxiety, or just gas?

I woke up this morning to the distant sound of my kids and then feeling them bounce up on the bed. “What time is it?” I asked assuming someone would answer me. “Six. dot dot. One. One.”

“Okay. It’s not time to get up yet. Can you go back to sleep? Please?”

“No. Today I go to school. I can’t be late” Tay replied, dangling my glasses right over my head before placing them on my face.

Right. The first (half) day of Kindergarten. The practice run at least. Next week starts the full days, but this was great. Whoever decided to ease us into this is brilliant.

I was more nervous last night than I ever was for any of my first days of school. But Taylor, innocent and pure and excited, was ready to get a move on with her day and see what was waiting at this place called school.

I got up and got to work on making her lunch. I had laid most of the stuff out last night so I wouldn’t be running behind. I had drawn a picture on a note for her. Froze her water (a little too long) hoping it would be cold the way she likes it at lunchtime, and then debated over whether or not it was appropriate to tuck her water bottle in a koozie in her lunchbox. I cut her sandwich into a heart shape to match the heart on her lunchbox and the ache in my own. Somewhere between finishing her sandwich and scrambling eggs I was blessed with a stomach ache. It was either anxiety or gas, neither of which I had invited along for my Taylor’s big day. I popped a GasX and avoided the coffee so my heart wouldn’t race just in case it was the first day mommy jitters. After all, we couldn’t be late. Taylor said so.
tay first day
Everything went great in getting ready. We were actually really early, took a couple pictures and headed on our way.
tay first day
me tay first day

We got buckled in the car and it was quiet a second. “Mommy. Why did you have tears falling down?”
“I’m just really excited for you Taylor! Kindergarten is awesome!” I nearly choked on the words but she smiled and her eyes lit up. It was totally worth it.

She held my hand walking up to the school while Avery ran 20 feet ahead. We walked into the gym and there were kids everywhere. She stopped and did this hesitating thing. I felt the same way on the inside but we moved forward hand in hand. I introduced her to the teacher and she sat down in the circle with another girl. As the teacher talked to me, I looked at my daughter, seated and staring around the room at all these big kids who lined the walls in lines they’d learned to form in the years before. She looked so little. And yet to me, so big. I was determined to make a clean goodbye so I managed to break her train of thought and wave to her. She ran over to me and held my face and kissed me. I had to cut and run.

Avery and I headed out, of couse I was walking alone because she is forever 20 little feet ahead of me. We got in the car and drove home. I needed that coffee I skipped earlier. We walked in the house and Avery said, “So. What game would you like to play with me?” First things first kiddo. I need coffee.

It’s eerily quiet at our house right now. I heard a creak in the hall and immediately wondered where the sound of footsteps was. I assumed Tay would round the corner any second. Instead, Avery and I are hanging out, adjusting to this new routine we’re about to embark on. I played in a Webkinz Cash Cow Tournament, and helped her with her little games on there. I’ve been watching the clock a bit. I’m not sad. Just curious. Wondering what she’s doing and if she got to play on the playground like she was hoping. If she enjoyed her lunch and if anyone thought to help her with her water bottle. I wonder if she noticed another kid who was feeling shy and befriended them. Because she does that. She is sensitive in the best kind of way. And yeah, I wonder if she misses me. And secretly, I hope that she does.

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~ by hthr on August 14, 2007.

5 Responses to “It is anxiety, or just gas?”

  1. Heather , I love your blog. I can totally relate to so much of it! Maybe I’ll start my own wordpress one day. Take Care, love, shawna

  2. Aigh! I have big tears in my eyes, and can hardly think about this being McKinley and I one day. Sounds like you did good, and I can’t wait to hear all the stuff she tells you when she gets in the car today! That will be a wonderful time too!

  3. I hope she had a wonderful time! She looks so grown up with her backpack and lunch box. Where has the time gone?

  4. Heather, I was cleaning through my inbox and rediscovered your email and this blog site. As I read your thoughts and viewed the gorgeous pics of you and your family, tears fell as I can relate to you in more ways than I sometimes admit, although my addiction is to Iced Tea and not coffee and I have two boys in lieu of two girls. I love the way you write and describe the days that make your journey so wonderful. Your father must be so proud as he watches you from Heaven. I feel proud just being of the same blood as someone as dedicated to her faith and motherhood as you. You inspire me to be a better person and to document these fleeting moments of motherhood before they pass forever. You look so beautiful in the photos and sound so happy in your notes. Love to you and I’ll be checking back to read (and cry and relate) more. Love, Paulina Hurley (formerly Rivera, Aunt Michelle’s daughter)

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