The Gutter of Honesty. It ain’t pretty.

I don’t get disappointed very easily. But tonight, I am sitting here by myself, the house quiet aside from the air conditioner and the tapping of the keyboard as I type this post, which may or may not actually get posted, and I am disappointed.

I am disappointed because I didn’t accomplish more this week and that I didn’t keep my mouth shut when I actually wanted to. I am disappointed that I had a cup of coffee at 6pm tonight and when I got home, my hubby promptly fell asleep. And now I’m wide awake. And somehow, though I fear putting it out in the ethers, I feel disappointed with God.

Aren’t I horrible? I feel horrible.

I have wrestled in wondering if even thinking that might be enough for God to want to punish me. Then I said it out loud this week and as awful as it may have sounded, I knew it was the most accurate description of how I was feeling. I was watching a sermon series called “Defining Moments” by Andy Stanley and towards the end he said something about, ‘maybe you feel like x, maybe you feel like y, or maybe you feel like God let you down…’

Yeah, you mean, I’m not alone in that? Not that it’s okay. Not that it’s the norm. But if you just mentioned it, surely I’m not the only one here who’s felt that way.

This is a brutal existance, not being in sync with my heavenly Father. And I know I am not alone when I say I struggle to find my quiet times. I struggle to find any time at all even to just clear my head. Except just now – which is why I’m on here typing away. It’s how blogging started for me. It cleared my head. And served as a great reminder of my journey, however brutally honest and bare bones it was. And is.

I say these little prayers with my kids at bedtime. And they want me to pray too, but often I just can’t. I tell them to go on ahead because they have beautiful prayers. But really, I just feel like my prayers hit the ceiling lately. I know i can’t clearly hear the voice of the Lord when I’m not in His Word, but truly, I’ve opened up my Bible, my devotionals, and there are days that I just feel like I don’t glean anything. Like I must be stupid or something. I often hear someone tell a Bible Story and I’m seriously like, “Huh? Where was that? That happened? Who?”

I am nearly certain that before my caffiene wears off tonight I will be in tears over this. This evening. This week. This month.

You know, I keep telling my daughter “You didn’t listen to me!” and she replies, “I’m sorry, I don’t hear very well” to which I say, “Listening is different than hearing.” and it just dawned on me that the same is true for the vertical relationship I have going on with my Father. Maybe I haven’t been listening. You know, when you have kids and you’re out in public they’re always calling “Mommy!” and when you go out without them, and you hear someone elses kid, you immediately start looking for your own. Maybe I’m misinterpreting His voice. Maybe I hear so many voices I can’t find His. Maybe I’m so frantic to find the answers I’m seeking that I just take the first as the final without confirming the source.

When I get upset about the big stuff, my mom will remind me to, “Be still, and know”. And then I sniffle and get off the phone. This past Sunday, our pastor put this up on the screen and read it ever so slowly and thoughtfully and by the end, I felt centered again:

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I Am.
Be still and know.
Be still.
Be.

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~ by hthr on August 10, 2007.

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