tears & silence

I lie staring at the ceiling. Silence. I do not hear my children, the television, or the dishwasher. My phone is not ringing and I am not compelled at this moment to check my email or my myspace. I dont hear the laundry machines or the radio. No interruptions. I dont even hear my own thoughts. This is a wonderful moment I have waited for all day. And in the silence, my soul cries out to my Father. And yet, with all the courage I can muster I can not even utter hello. I’m here. Aware of my need but too ashamed to break the silence. How did I get here and how can I possibly push past it? through it. I want to run to my safe place and I cant even allow my mind to think it would be welcomed. Yet I was told I would be. always. I am afraid. intimidated. unworthy. a wanderer. drifter. but still a child. and i am told that that is enough. how many times will i feel this way? scared and alone by my own doing. my own lack of discipline has led me to my environment of separation.

I was asked recently why I cry so often. my response came from no where, yet was unmistakably accurate. i have stuffed my feelings for so long and kept everything to myself, i wonder how many people choke on their own tears from keeping them in for so long? i have found freedom in finding my voice, however quivering it may be, and in not allowing things to be stuffed anymore. my heart overflows with gratefulness and joy, and unprompted tears do follow ever so freely.

I do feel lonely just now. scared a bit. uncertain yet again, wondering how my month, much less my week will end. I am hopeful. I am trusting. My faith in tact although I am wondering…how do I go to my Father when I have wandered around for a while? Humbly on my knees, and still without words. I hang my head and dig my fingers in my head. oh man. the tears are there and i cant let them fall. what is my deal?

i feel a change coming. perhaps a new chapter of my own journey. this book ‘soultalk’ is hitting a nerve. or a million of them. I have committed to reading it and yet I dont even want to go to the meetings. I suspect I am about to be dismantled. literally. figuratively. spiritually, emotionally dismantled. this will be messy. but then, i think it already is.

i really hate the headaches i get when i cant let the tears fall. good thing we have carpet. this book is gritty and my heart? completely craving inhabitance.

the other day Taylor said to me, “Mommy, watch me! I am going to give this dance to God!” She looked beautiful and expressive as she danced her heart out – for God – as she said. and i really believe she did. And it occurred to me, that I dont know what i have to give right now. nicely folded and stacked towels and underwear somehow dont seem to make the cut. it matters to my family, but to no one and nothing beyond my front door. i feel small. my world feels smaller.

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~ by hthr on February 13, 2007.

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