History is His Story
I was driving this morning to a meeting. Usually I listen to my ipod since it is really my music of choice, but today I had the radio on for a change. And then this song came on. You know how you can hear a song, but not really get the message until you’ve heard it for the hundreth time? This was exactly that. Even though I’m having a good day, I still look back, and I feel like there are people in my life who hammer my past mistakes over and over and leave me feeling beat up or beat down, or however that goes. And this song is like a friend telling you to get over it and move on, only much more beautifully.
Where we’ve been, good – bad – ugly – indifferent, plays a part in who we are and the effect we have on others, and I say that to remind myself that my big screw ups can still be used to glorify the Lord because of how He has graciously brought me through them and granted me some essence of that of a conqueror.
Allow me a moment to be vulnerable. It has been almost 2 years since I went off my antidepressants. Going on them didn’t seem optional. It was most definitely necessary. We were living in Georgia, had a baby and a newborn, our finances were a disaster to the point I didn’t want to answer the phone when it rang, and I was scared. lonely. feeling pretty hopeless. I made an emergency call to my doctor. I felt like I could her I was struggling to handle my emotions much easier than anyone else. Probably because she was more removed from my situation and I didn’t care if she judged me, knowing all along that she wouldn’t. That was key. I remember her face when she came in the door. I had both girls with me, the stroller, all the paraphanalia that you trek with children, and she said “What is wrong!?” I started to cry and just said “I don’t know!” I probably laughed through it. but it really was very bad.
She gave me an Rx and I hoped it would help. It did, but I began having anger issues. Like, “look out! she’s gonna blow!” kind of anger. And truly it was nothing like me. But trust me, miss a pill, delay it, forget about being nice. Forget about feeling good or even just ok. I never ever took it out on my kids. Ever. But I did take it out on Brian sometimes, and I think I kicked a lot of stuff (not Brian though). I felt out of control and yet – completely controlled by this pill I took every night.
My mom hated it. She said I was numb to everything. I had no emotion. Didn’t care about anything. I figured it was a better way to live than what I had known previously. I didn’t what life would look like without it though. I was afraid I couldn’t stop. And then I was scared of that reliance.
And then one day it happened. I had procrastinated. Certainly, not forgotten, but just been lazy…I ran out of my meds. I knew that night as I opened an empty bottle that the next day would be tough and I asked the Lord with all my might to help my control my emotions and keep my mouth shut and my heart and mind calm. I felt guilty about that too, because really, I hadn’t talked to the Lord recently. But you know what? He DID keep me under wraps. In fact, He did such a good job, that I thought, “I wonder if I could handle another day without this stuff?” So I went to go refill my Rx because day 2 was a little tougher than the first and don’t you just know, the pharmacy was all out. It was going to be a couple days until they could fill it. I thought it was a sign. Kind of like this: “You asked me for help. I gave it to you. Ask me again. Because I’ll do it again. And again. And again. And again.” And that night I looked at my empty pill bottle. I grabbed it tight, and said, “Lord, I can’t do this, but YOU can and I NEED You to do this for me. More than ever before in a true physical way. I need you to touch me and heal me from this dependance get me through this and then, get me past this.”
I have been naturally happy instead of chemically happy for almost 2 years now. I realized that I had made it easier for myself to take a pill than to simply ask the Lord to walk me through the situations life had held at that time. I don’t know, maybe I was just too embarrassed to ask.
It wasn’t easy after those first days off the meds. It was still in my system to some extent. The next 6 days were misery. I couldn’t drive, much less walk a straight line. I sat on the couch or the floor a lot. It was as if there were fireworks going off in my brain. There was something electrically happening up there and I was scared like you don’t even know. I kissed my kids good night one night thinking it might actually be the last time I would do so. I thought I would have a stroke. I cried myself to sleep, wondering how I had let it go this far and why I didn’t know this would happen in the end. I pleaded with God to let me live.
So when I heard this song, my makeup ran down my face. All the things that lead up to my depression – ultimately – this song said – they’re history – “leave it all behind you, but let it always remind you of the day…that love made history”. You know what that means, right? That’s a very eloquent way of saying – Jesus loved you so much, he made history for you that day on the cross!
I’m really on a musical kick right now. Don’t be surprised if you see song lyrics popping up all over my blogs. For now, read this one – I can say without hesitation that it applies to all of us, because we all have history – regrets, mistakes and a past. But I’m so thankful we don’t have to hang on to those things. That, they do not define who we are, and even more importantly, where we’re going.
(Matthew West from the album History)
Well It’s been a bad day
You’ve been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes
A world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it’s hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory
Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So, leave it all behind you
But let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history
You know you can’t stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let’s take a walk into today
And don’t let your past get in the way
Would you believe that you are history in the making, in the making?
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making