Dreams & such

I’ve never been much of a dreamer.

Never dreamt of having any particular career or of what my life would be like when I was old. Because once upon a time, 30 seemed old.

I never cared enough about travel to research places I wanted to go. There are places I want to go… New York, Australia…but I don’t sit & dream about it. Too much laundry to do.

I don’t dream of having a big house. Just a happy one. Positive. Full of laughter & music & friends. And food. Lots of food.

My friend Kristine sits and dreams with her husband Cliff. They dream together about their future together and then she eloquently blogs about it. As newlyweds who have experienced a lot more life than I ever did before marrying, I have found myself proud of her and yet, subtly envious. Why don’t I know how to dream? Was that a class in college that came after I dropped out?

And yet, I’ve discovered that I do have a dream. Some Most days it includes a laundry room with empty baskets and a kitchen sink that shines. But at the heart of it all, my dream is that my children would know Christ. And not just “pray a prayer” to “accept” Him, but pray a prayer to accept Him and over time and out of an overflowing heart, choose daily let His love and teachings and influence ooze out of their pores so much so that they are being emptied and asking Him to refill them and be used again.

Well friends, part of my dream has come true. My laundry room overfloweth out the door. My kitchen sink is coffee stained. And my Avery has asked Jesus to live in her heart.

Anything I could ever dream of, could never be as good as this day. To know that each of my daughters WANTS Jesus. CHOOSES Jesus. Feels the NEED deep down in her soul FOR JESUS. This is my one and only dream, come true.

In a humbling show of His hand, it is evidence of God’s grace on me and a moving reminder that while I may mess up this mothering thing daily, He is good. He is always good.

And they? Are His. They’ll always be His.

Chocolate Curl

I’m taking a big chance here.

Scratch that. It’s paint. It’s never a “big chance” when it’s paint. That’s dumb.

I’m stepping away from my norm though. Our norm…. Builder Beige, meet pale green light pink “chocolate curl”.

Taylor turns 8 two weeks from today and we are giving her a “big girl” room. Sort of anyway. We’re really just decorating it a bit post-move-in. Taylor was very specific; she wanted brown and white and a little bit of pink was fine.

So? Here we go.

I’m hoping this color dries a little darker. I don’t want it to look like a milk chocolate curl. More like a semi-sweet dark chocolate curl. Patience, patience. Or maybe a hair dryer would speed that up. Also? I look like I’ve been electrocuted with this straight hair business. Yikes. Someone please help me figure out how to do this right before I end up cutting it all off!

Tay of course doesn’t know that she is getting a reading chair for her room for her bday also. It was such a cool find and I matched up the color in the paint swatch book so I’d have a point of reference while out & about. So when we were looking through the thousand shades of brown and tan and khaki and all that I asked her to pick out a favorite shade of pink too.

And do you know what shade she chose?

Yup. The same one as her chair!!!! GET OUT!! I can not wait to see her face on her bday. Until then, I’ll be in my paint clothes!

Not the first time … probably won’t be the last.

I was just down in the kitchen making some tea and gazing at the refrigerator door from all angles. I was thinking about motives and reflecting on how well I did to maintain my composure and hold back the tears and screaming in the moment…

And then it hit me. They’ve done this before.

Casper the accomplice

I tease Brian from time to time that our refrigerator was “a $10,000 fridge” because of the negotiations process on this house. He rolls his eyes at me and mutters “whatever” under his breath. I’m almost over it.

We all make errors in judgment, and this morning my children made a big bad one. One that left me thinking, how old are you? and how permanent is this damage?

See my friendly little ghost magnet? I made him in 1986 and my mom brought it out every fall for about 20 years and then a few years ago gave it to me for my own sentimental enjoyment. Of course, lil Casper was in perfect condition when she gave it to me and now he’s missing an arm and a chunk of his skirt. Today my children have turned him into an accomplice. Apparently he was used to create graffiti etchings on the front of our fridge. Yes, etchings. The front of our fridge is scribble scratched through the gloss. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. And my lil ghostly friend was hangin out amidst the aftermath with a smile on his face.

Trust me, it’s worse than it looks. Oh, the things a camera cannot capture. Standing there surveying the damage, I thought for sure I was gonna throw up but I kept reminding myself, It’s just stuff. It’s just stuff. That’s why I kept my mouth shut as the girls stood in front of the refrigerator looking at their not-so-invisible scribble art and weighing their words as B calmly questioned them.

They did not know how that got there. huh.

On second thought, my stomach is fine. It’s my head that’s going to explode.

Yes, mom. I’m reading the book. sigh…

Facebook Fascade

We got home from vacation yesterday and I threw some of my favorite pics up on Facebook. A little while later, someone close to me updated her facebook status to read;

… hates it when certain people in your life act like their life is perfect. Perfect kids, perfecthusband, perfect house, perfect job, perfect everything. All the while I’m asking myself… “is everything really that perfect or are you just trying to fake it”?

When B saw it, he said, “What is that supposed to mean?”

“What? … [find it. read it.] Oh. I don’t assume that’s about us.”

And I didn’t. I didn’t actually think anything of it because I don’t fake anything. Well, the padding of my bra makes for a bit of ‘gray area’ there on occasion, but let’s not get technical, hmm? But then I started to consider what she meant given the timing of my pics and her post and if nothing else, it’s given way to break my awful bought of writer’s block.

Hi again.

So what if her update was referring to me? Do I have some fascade of a life on Facebook? Really? Because perfect isn’t even in the realm of possibility on any level if you actually know me. I don’t conciously try and make my life look like anything on there.

But Facebook lies. Facebook can be a false sense of community and it’s not even intentional the way it all happens. It’s where the best and most memorable are on display. It’s where your life is highlighted. And not even in a showy boastful kind of way. Just, in a let me share some sweet moments of my life with you kind of way. So, I can see how that could be deceiving.

After all, I didn’t post pics of my kids fighting, or me with a clenched jaw and arms crossed because I was ticked off with the weather, with our waiter, with…nevermind. Brian either. No audio of my children whining. No video of them getting put to bed early because they were long past tired and we were long past over it. I mean, I probably should have included some of that to be fair.

Aside from a couple friends who, my lord! update their facebook status some ridiculous number of times a day to the speed of what they are eating or that they are going to bed (who cares?!) … I don’t have more than 2 friends out of 400-some that would actually say, “MY DAY BITES.” What’s the percentage on the number of people being real there? Seriously.

Aside from just not feeling well, the past few months have been tough for me but my facebook friends know no different. I mean, if we we’re being really REAL here, I could have had some firey status updates. Some may have even garnered phone calls of concern.

“Hthr…burst into tears after a rough morning of begging her kids to eat their breakfast.” Actually, a month of mornings.

“Hthr…had a fight with B tonight and is praying our kids will forget what they overheard.”
“Hthr…really wonders some days if I can do this thing called ‘being a mom’.”
“Hthr…wants to know her purpose. Is there more than laundry & food?”
“Hthr…is debating how she can have so many friends and still feel alone.”

Maybe FB adds to that alone-ness. Maybe we’re all a bunch of FB fakers contributing to each others occasional feelings of inadequacy by offering up only the highlights of our lives. Maybe we should add some pictures of our pouting kids, dirty houses and messy lives in order to be honest with each other.

Or maybe we can all just save face and know that things aren’t always what they appear to be online.

Facebook is definitely a fascinating element of community. Even so, it’s important to recognize that it is not an exchange of true soul community. There is no substitute for what happens over coffee or dinner, during a car ride, or over the course of playing games together.

I’m not sure if my friend was referring to me in her status update or not. I hope not. She does actually know me beyond my photo albums and generic status updates. Regardless, I’m grateful to have had this to mull over & consider for the last while.

“Hthr…only occasionally fakes her real bra size.” I heart Halloween. And a few other days too. Whatever.

So what about you? Do you ever try to find some rosy thing to update and suppress the rest? You can get it off your chest anonymously in the comments here today if you want. Weird. That sounded vaguely like a kids summer camp altar call circa 1988.

I’d love to confirm that I’m not alone here. I think most of us want to know that we’re not alone. Some of us over coffee or dinner. Some breaking the silence of a long boring car ride to Florida. And some, laughing over our answers to crazy games that in fewer words as opposed to more, confirm that we’re more alike than different.

P.S. Our family is good. B & me are good. I’m working through the rest, mostly over coffee with those who know me offline and my Heavenly Father who has the best virtual hug.

P.S.S. Here’s my fav pic from our vacation.

I made a hot new friend today…

…his name is CHI.

Look what he did to my hair! (Actually, Tanya & I did it.)

And then, like a 13 year old girl, I took a bunch of pictures of myself in the mirror! And then I downloaded them and discovered a bunch that looked like this:

SO worthwhile, right? I’ve got skillz, yo!

And you wonder what we stay-at-home moms DO ALL DAY?! Ha! (*Ahem* Don’t go there.)

I haven’t had my hair straight since…(thinking)…a junior year prom?

I think I dig it. The straight hair thing.

Our trip to the Windy City. Minus the windy.

Last month while working through some boxes of junk in the garage, I found a 3-ring binder from junior high. Scrawled across the front of it in experimental handwriting styles? U2 … Mysterious Ways … Achtung Baby … The Joshua Tree … and a host of other song titles from my favorite group. Since junior high I’ve said that if I could go to one concert … it would be U2. So when they announced tour dates earlier this year, we were beyond excited. But September felt like so….far….off!

Plans were made and money tucked away each month….finally mom and dad arrived here to visit and watch the girls, I started trying to figure out what to pack (why did it take me 2 days and Brian only 4 minutes? seriously.) and we were off! To Chicago! Along with 8 friends which only … hmm … octoplated? octupled? the fun! That’s not a word.

When we got to our room, I immediately climbed into the windowsill and sat and watched everything going on below. The architecture in Chicago is just beautiful. This was my first time there as an adult. I went quite often as a child, but found myself appreciating things differently than what I remembered from pictures and memories.

Thursday night, Bri and I were on our own for a lil date night in the city. Big city. My cousin Tammy goes to Frontera Grill everytime she goes to Chicago and says its the best Mexican she’s ever had. Pretty strong reccommendation for a transplanted Texan! It is owned by celebrity chef Rick Bayless who is married to my aunt’s cousin? I think I have that right? Imagine my surprise to discover the restaurant was in walking distance from our hotel! The wait was 2 hours though, and I? was hungry. We ended up next door at XOCO which had just opened 2 days prior! It was slammed. It was also very much worth the wait. After dinner we had a cup of hot chocolate which was hands down the BEST hot chocolate I have ever had. Ever. Period. Amen. They are one of the few places in the country that processes the cocoa bean on site. Good thing they are there and I am here!

We later hit up the John Hancock Building. You absolutely must go in the ladies room there. If you’re a lady of course. Can’t miss it. It has the most beautiful view of the city!

My friends and I? Shopped hard. I was pretty certain at the end of the day that I had never hurt so bad from the knees down. It doesn’t help of course that I haven’t worked out in 3 months. My muscles are mush. These stores are so massive it blew my mind. A 4 story Banana Republic! 3-story H&M (my first time!), 7-story Macy’s, 2 story Forever XXI – I promise you I nearly got lost in it it was so huge. I was not a super shopper though. Two words: sensory overload. But great times. I wish we could have gotten a picture of all of us coming back to the hotel with our shopping bags! Too funny! We were worn! out!

A couple more friends joined us that night and we just all had a blast hangin out together. This was the first time ever traveling with friends for B & me. First Second time away as a couple that was not work related. And it was all just wonderful. Great balance of time altogether and time as a couple. I’m sure I’ll never forget it.

Okay, the concert? u2 360. Chicago was the first stop of the North American leg of the tour. It was unreal. I’ve never been in a crowd that size. We had awesome seats. The video & lighting were completely fascinating. Brian was going crazy watching them work the cameras. He was invited to come watch them assemble the stage & AV when they come to Atlanta in a few weeks. He gets to do all the cool stuff! Why is that concert on a Tuesday night? I want to see it again but I have kids who have to go to school now! Agh!!! Adulthood.

As I was saying. Pretty amazing.

What? You expected more pictures? Well, if you’re my facebook friend, you can just hop on over there and find them. Unfortunately, you can’t bring a detachable lens camera into the concert. Or maybe you can, because I saw a lady with the same as me. But I was not willing to risk it, and once I realized the distance to get INTO Soldier Field, I was quite okay with that. It’s all locked up good & tight in my memory anyway.

Also locked up? The sweet hugs we came home to.

Here’s something I learned about myself. No matter how excited I am about something on the inside, I don’t express it very well on the outside. Although, I was so excited at the concert I nearly cried. I had to try really hard to hold it back.

Also? I love the south. I shall never leave it until Jesus calls me home.

Puttin words in my mouth

So, just as soon as I say, yeah, drop in anytime! blah blah blah don’t you know that this morning, with Brian away to Atlanta, my children permanently on their regular wake schedule for the schoolweek, and I, still in bed with being flat worn out from our awesome weekend in Chicago last weekend … the girls decided to practice their gift of hospitality and invite in our neighbor ~ which is totally cool.

Except that I was still in bed.

And grouchily so because the way I woke up an hour before? My child running into my quiet dark bedroom yelling, “Taylor’s taaaaattl-iiiiiing!!!!!”

Dear lord, I prayed. Grant me strength and joy and ease me through this day that could potentially feel very very long. After which, I announced, “Don’t you be coming in my room, and waking me up by yelling at me! I’m not hearing this!”

So she went back to playing and I dozed back to sleep, but then my mom called and told me to get up and get my day started. Going back to sleep won out again in only a matter of moments. Then I heard voices downstairs. More than 2 of them. And I, laying in bed with a headache already kickin, noticed my bedroom door had been left open by a child fearful of being told on. My glasses were no where to be found, my robe still in the closet, and from the sounds of it, my children were offering up breakfast to their lil buddy. Who I think the world of and adore … I’d just like to at least have pants on when I hear additional voices in the house.

So, I quick put in my contacts, pull on some more clothes and head downstairs and my beautiful neighbor appears at the door with a box of donuts. I’m barely coherant and completely unaware of what time it even is. Completely fascinated that someone has been across town to Krispy Kreme already today? For a moment I worried it might be lunchtime. I was not yet forming complete thoughts much less sentences.

She offered to let me have my coffee and wake up a bit and catch me a little while. So much for being an impromptu hostess.

Adventures in HomeOwnership: Wallpaper

I feel a little silly showing you pictures of our house. You may as well just come over. But apparently “being in the neighborhood” is not as common as it used to be, what with (y)our crazy busy scheduled lives and all. I liked the old days when it came to all that droppin in to say hello stuff. I would welcome a return to that.

I got a text from my friend Greg this week saying it had been over a week since I blogged and, well, to get back on it I guess. So, I’ll give you some bathroom pictures.

My parents were here the past 10 days or so, and mom taught Brian and I how to wallpaper! It was pretty awesome. It served my personality well to have to measure and fit and smooth out and cut just right the paper sliding around on my walls. I think I could really get into it. It’s kind of like a grasscloth paper. And yes, it’s beige. Just like the walls, and just like the drapes. One of these day’s I’ll get brave and throw some color around.

Here’s a closeup on it and a picture of mom & Bri putting up the first piece.

Here is a little stroll down memory lane for the past few months as well. I guess the change would be much more significant if the bathroom had some psychodelic color or something but I’m especially grateful it wasn’t. We love it. It suits us just right.

Changing the vanity was a little bit of a shopping backfire, which ended up with a really happy ending anyway. I had asked Brian to go to this store here called Trees & Trends which is a floral and decorating store, but they have lawn & patio furniture in the summer as well. I was hoping something i liked may have been moved to clearance. He said he would drop me off and I told him it would only take 5 minutes and just to come in with me. That is when he saw this vanity and announced, “I hate pedestal sinks. We need this.” In all my 11 and one half years with him, I have never once heard him say he did not like a pedestal sink. I was dumbfounded, but seriously loved the vanity. We fought thought about it, worked the budget, talked it over quite a lot, and decided it was perfect for making house home. In the bathroom at least. So here it is! It’s been in our garage for a month and we have been so anxious to wallpaper the bathroom and then install it. Any job worth doing is worth doing right. Patience.

Remember, you’re welcome to drop by if you’re in the neighborhood, but don’t be coming over here and looking for seams in our wallpaper job!

The art of shopping?

I said to a friend the other day, something along the lines of, “I’m just having fun looking at stuff….getting ideas...” to which she replied, “Yeah. That’s called shopping.”

I guess I haven’t shopped in a long time! I usually know what I need, get in, get out, & get on with it. But this builder beige paint on beige carpet on white cabinets on naked windows has got me looking for inspiration on where to start making house feel like home! Mind you, I’m in no hurry whatsoever, and having a room “finished”?? Well, I don’t know that a room is ever actually finished. But pulling a room together at least a little bit feels huge to me.

I talked to a couple decorators last week while I went strolling around Downtown Franklin. One said, “My advice is, ‘Stop buying!’ ” which was great news because I haven’t started.

Anyway… a couple online decorating sites that I have really found useful… one is decorpad.com where you can view galleries of pictures based on many different criteria and save them into a favorites file. It’s pretty much my favorite new website.

Also fun… decorbycolor.com where you click on a color family and it takes you to an external blog that offers up products in that specific color group. Southern Living is forever a favorite. I may have been born in the north, but I’m southern in my heart. Although, it may be more by my use of butter and cream cheese than that of fabric and artificial greenery.

I’d been eyeing these chairs in a catalog, but wouldn’t touch em for the price!

…so imagine my joy in finding these chairs on CL for, hmm … let’s see … what is the percentage of $3000 vs. $100 plus the cost of reupholstering? Enough to count it all joy and a gift from above! That’s what I say.

Now if only I could locate a patio dining set that seats 6 … that would be awesome. All in good time. All in good time.

Meanwhile… my mom has been teaching Brian & I about the fine art of wallpapering today! Picture forthcoming…. Now? Sleep. My arms are tired from all that papering!